“Everyone agreed that Houston was a brilliant thinker and an excellent lawyer, but some people worried that he lacked the milk of human kindness.”
I drove everyone nuts with my new mantra over the summer. I recently read it somewhere on the Web and it struck a chord with me. My sister and I argue about it often because she believes it is not true…and of course, I believe it is true, more often than not. Here it is,
“HONESTY WITHOUT KINDNESS IS BRUTALITY”
Just stop for a minute and think about it in the context of our current political and environmental state. Or perhaps you might consider how it might apply in your current relationships. It reminds me of the “Golden Rule” which I believe beats “The Ten Commandments” all to hell and back- no pun intended! I believe it says, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” And that’s just it. If you want to have human discourse with me, don’t yell at me and put me down or call me names. Just talk with me as if you wanted me to hear you and I will reply to you in the same tone. Because that’s what happens. If you speak to me harshly or unkindly, chances are good I will reply defensively or harshly or unkindly and where does that leave us? Not such a good place?
If I want to relate with someone I care about, someone I want to hear what I am feeling as well as what I am saying, I believe I have to find a way to let them know I care about them and want to hear what they have to say. Even if they strongly disagree with what I have to say, they must not dismiss it, or in doing so they will be dismissing me. Human discourse allows for difference. We both matter and especially when we disagree. So I want to listen when you are talking to me. You can’t not be listening to me and instead be building a case to obliterate my opinion. In essence, you are telling me you don’t believe I have the same rights as you….or I am not as smart as you…or you don’t care about me. Maybe telling you what I have to say is extremely difficult because I know you won’t agree. I know if I can find a way to say it so that I don’t feel lessened or dismissed or belittled. If in the asking I can hear you as you disagree and feel heard BY you. Then the possible conflict or dis-connect is avoided and I WILL hear you. We may never agree, but we do not have to lose one another.
How many times have you heard or said “I’m only telling you the truth” as if “the truth” were not about perspective and context? I know personally there are times I believe I am “right”, or what I believe is “true” and I have been wrong. Usually about dates and times. But at that moment I believe I am “right”. If I believe I am right I am likely to tell you that you are wrong, and you believe you are “right”. “I haven’t made a mistake, you have!” What is so wrong about making a mistake. We can admit it and go on. We are all human and subject to error. Unless we do not believe we can afford to make mistakes because to do so would shatter our ego.
Think about your history. Deal with and heal the dysfunction of your childhood. Only then will you be able to engage in human discourse with human kindness. Otherwise our old, anachronistic feelings will get in the way of listening to any kind of difference without feeling dismissed or less-than or criticised. If “I am a mistake” I can’t afford to “make a mistake” so any criticism you give me will be devistating and I will be unable to hear you. That is the “brutal” end of my newfound mantra. When I am unhealed I feel continuously vulnerable, as if I were present in all of my relationships as a small, vunerable and wounded child waiting to be told, once again, how little I know…how little my opinion matters. It is my job to heal so that I can hear you, too and not just the ghosts of the past. Then together we can create connections and relationships with one another as healthy adults.
Actually, when my sister and I were discussing my new mantra, when I told her the words, she said something like, “I’m not so sure that it’s true”. So, I didn’t get what I wanted which was “that’s brilliant” and I regressed to my five year old who is never heard or seen and became arrogantly defensive. Downhill from there!
I know about the humility and brutality many parents present to their children because they are not healed themselves. I was the middle of five children growing up in the 40’s and 50’s in a functionally violent, alcoholic family. I knew how to hide. I was an expert. I could fit myself into any little corner of a room and disappear into the cracks in the wall. I felt as if no one heard nor saw me. Not until I many years later, after I worked hard to heal my past and became who I am today. I knew at age 15 I did not want to recreate my past! I like who I am today. I am more open, flexable and kind.
I want to find a way to help create more Kindness in the world. I want to promote more Kindness in the world. Human connection leads to better health. Human Kindness leads to better connections. Ergo, if Human Kindness leads to better connections and better connections leads to better health it just makes sense that relationships and connections will make this a better world!
In our present world of chaos, hurricanes and political unreast, an act of human kindness can be heroic! To quote Jim Henson, “Understanding other points of view keeps you fresh. You can look at the same thing one way forever and it never seems to change. Then someone comes in and turns it upside down or inside out and suddenly, together, you’ve made something amazing.”