The Illusion of Control

​Recently, a number of patients have been struggling with the idea of how much control they have when bad things happen. Divorce, death, problems with children, spouses, financial troubles, medical problems—those issues in life which leave us feeling powerless, frustrated, angry or depressed. We struggle with the idea that something, or someone, is beyond our ability to change or control.
​There are times in life when, in spite of our desire or pain, we are helpless to change the reality of our experience. What we can do, however, is change our attitude about that reality. And we do that by accepting that we are unable to control these circumstances or events, and accept the reality of what is happening.
​When a loved one dies, we can do nothing to change that reality—except to accept the grief of the loss—understanding that the pain we feel is not necessarily directly correlated to the quality of love we shared with the other. When we are laid off from our job, we can be angry and rail at the world about the injustice of it all—for a brief time, but if we get stuck in our anger and resentment it will not change one thing about our reality except to make us bitter and lost.
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The Serenity Prayer is arguably one of the greatest gifts of the 20th century. It is profoundly simple in its message:

​God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change
​The Courage to change the things I can
​And the Wisdom to know the difference.

It’s in the acceptance of our lives that we come to learn the most profound lessons. This doesn’t mean however, that we do nothing. To do that is to fall into depression. The second and third lines are equally important as the first in the prayer. How many heroes do we know in our lives who have turned tragedy into activism or triumph? In my practice I am often awed by the ability people have to survive the personal tragedy and frustrating circumstances of their lives. People who have lost a child to SIDS who, as part of their grief process, become active in the SIDS Foundation. Cancer patients who become as knowledgeable about their disease as their doctors. Knowledge is power. Couples who, after discovering one has been unfaithful to the other, work together to not only mend the breach but to go on to make their marriage even more intimate and loving than before.
There is an attitude we take in our lives, an attitude of trusting the process of our lives—especially with difficult experiences—that allows us to find the miracles of life. Even in tragedy.